'Hey I'll let you choose a song this time' -some acquaintance who's about to regret their words

Growing up as an awkward metalhead didn’t exactly make me popular at school. Everyone else would blast their mind numbingly dull pop music on their phones in near deafening volumes but if they even heard a whispering fragment of my music they would instantly roar at me with vigorous fury demanding me to “TURN OFF THAT FUCKING SHIT!” Needless to say this didn’t exactly improve my non-existent confidence and it even affects me to this day. Occasionally people will give me the task of selecting music during social gatherings in which my reply is usually a deer-in-headlight stare accompanied by a short circuit in the brain department. They want me to choose the music? Are they sure? Are they expecting me to pick something suitable for the occasion or do they want something that represents my taste? Will they be open minded if I decide to play something unorthodox or will they tell me to “SILENCE THAT FORNICATING EXCREMENT!” like people used to do back in my teenage years? 

Besides, what’s even considered to be appropriate music? Once when I was hanging out with my flat mates I was given the honorary title of flat DJ. Of course I panicked a little but I assessed the situation and tried to come up with something suitable to play. Let’s see… We’re drinking, we’re having fun, we’re telling old embarrassing stories… What would be appropriate in this situation? Why Ziltoid the Omniscient by Devin Townsend of course! To the uninformed, this album is a parody on overambitious progressive rock/metal concept albums. As opposed to your standard concept album that sings of great struggles and sacrifices, Ziltoid is about an omniscient alien overlord that invades earth in search for the ultimate cup of coffee. Perfect match for the situation I thought! Well, with my neurodivergent aspie logic that is. The fact that the others might lack the proper context in which to understand this parody didn’t cross my mind in the slightest (they probably didn’t even know what a concept album was to begin with). Not to mention that it literally starts with a heavy death metal riff as they hail their mighty leader ZILTOID with deep guttural vocals. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has had the same level of exposure to extreme metal as I have… 

Another hang-up I have regarding showing my music taste is that since I’m so used to getting negative reactions from whatever I play I always assume that people will only hear the first few seconds before asking me to turn it off. Thus I feel the need to “impress” people. If they’ll only hear a few seconds they have to be impressed right away by it otherwise they’ll turn it off. Not only that but it also has to be a perfect representation of my taste as a whole. After all, this might be their only glimpse into my music taste, which is a big part of my identity. If I play something that is not appreciated right away they will turn it off and assume that’s the only kind of music I listen to. It might seem paranoid but this seems to have happened on numerous occasions, most noticeably with my ex. When we decided to share our music tastes I showed her what I was listening to at that very moment, namely Suteki Da Ne?, kind of the “official” song of Final Fantasy X, one of my all time favorite games. The response I got was something akin to “it’s nice I guess but not the kind of music I listen to” and then we never discussed my music taste again. This made me wonder: did she seriously assume that the only kind of music I appreciate is japanese power ballads? Why else would she never ask about anything relating to my music taste again? Especially since I asked about her taste on several occasions. Well, we’re no longer together for a reason I suppose.

Ok this might all seem a bit silly to you. “Sure you have a hard time judging social situations and can’t figure out what is considered appropriate music in a given context. What’s the big deal?” Well, the thing is that I’ve realized that other people… DON’T have this problem!? I’ve talked about this topic with others and I’m usually just met with confused looks on their faces. Something that is to me as real and perilous as fording a river infested with robot laser sharks is just a gentle walk across a pond to others. It’s weird to think that something that occupies my mind to such an extent doesn’t even get a fleeting thought from others. Yes these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. Perhaps it’s silly but i thought it was worth sharing.