Copyright © 1994 by Denise Newman.
Spunk Anarchist Collective Library.
two segments/ of/ ON THE OTHER HAND / by/ Denise Newman
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the astronaut had a wife who was afraid of almost everything/ there were a few things of course that were familiar enough to not be threatening like her reflection and toast and jam/ around the New Year she began making a concerted effort to win over the old guy and actually got herself invited for dinner/ the wife hadn't been forewarned but when she presented her with a bouquet of harmless little pansies she let her in but scurried to the back of the house until dinner was called/ "don't worry about me" she yelled after her "I can't bite you because I have no teeth"/ "How's our boy?" the astronaut asked/ "oh you know he is a man after all"/ they got packets of freeze-dried something and bowls of hot water/ it was confusing to her and she mistakenly ate the powdered stuff and drank the bowl of water/ this impressed the astronaut (probably because he'd never seen it done before) and he asked "so you want to travel in space?" "I was thinking about the possibility" she said coolly/ he gave her some psychological tests that evening which she failed/ then he put her in the coin-operated rocket ship which simulated a rough trip in space/ when it reached "maximum turbulence" she began throwing up and made such a mess of the cabin that the astronaut told her to leave and never come back/ after that evening she pitied all astronauts because their job was worse than being a sock in a clothes-dryer/ a certain cat approached her on the street and asked if she wanted to get high/ she saw it as an alternative to space travel and they went down to the docks to watch the sunrise
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as it turned out, the cat was a bit of a drug abuser and although she appreciated its effects, it was not something to do in excess/ "cat, meet the police officer" she said one day/ the cat got very frightened and hid in the cupboard/ and the police officer (who was actually a plumber) began saying "we don't just arrest drug addicts, we bruise 'em"/ he winked at her after he said this and she was impressed by his tone of voice/ he fixed the leak in the bathroom and she asked him to stay for dinner/ thinking the police officer had left, the cat crept out of the cupboard and she caught him by the tail before he could run away again, "now sit down and eat your tuna fish"/ but the cat just stared at the officer making them all uncomfortable/ "let's play a game" she said to break the ice and the cat rolled his eyes/ "when I say `go' we'll all hold our breath and the first one to release it has to leave for good" it was a fair way to get rid of the cat but several hours later she began to miss him and started crying/ the policeman slapped her face because he hated emotion and she stopped/ she also stopped eating and sleeping and things got pretty boring with only a little relief in the evenings when they had orgasms/ around this time his sister came to live with them and she was so unattractive that it cheered her up a bit/ what was even better, the sister tolerated being made fun of and so they sat around the empty table and she spontaneously called out names/ "pimple puss light my cigarette"/ she had a rule that they use a new name each time thus forcing her to be creative/ one day they had unexpected visitors/ a very moral family moved in next door the day before and came over for a chat/ the man wasn't a priest or anything official but he told them to call him "Father"/ "should we call you Mother?" she asked the wife politely and the woman just ignored her/ as it turned out the couple didn't eat canned food so they just served crackers and water/ "hey urine breath, we need some service here" she yelled to the sister/ she didn't like the couple at all and while they spoke about this and that she thought up names for them too like "Father Fascist Fanny"/ she simply couldn't control her laughter when she came up with "holier than dog chow" and began to giggle/ Father had been speaking about posting the Ten Commandments around the neighborhood, highlighting the more penitent numbers like 2 and 7/ this was also funny and she continued laughing/ to say the least the couple was annoyed and finally stormed out/ she ran after them calling them their new pet names/ the plumber pulled into the driveway and thinking these people were robbers, arrested them/ they were tied to the toilet until their trial that evening/ finally, after hours of deliberation, they were found innocent on account of their cavity-free teeth
the plumber didn't particularly care for sex despite the fact that he always had a phallic symbol in hand/ what he did like though was getting manicures and pedicures, and in the beginning she did it for him/ since the new arm she took great pleasure in doing two-handed jobs/ but like everything else, it got dull/ she put an ad in the paper and several days later a young woman from Hong Kong arrived/ "now get to work, our nails are a wreck" she told her/ when the plumber took off his work boots the poor woman nearly fainted/ she managed to recover and the plumber gave her a wink/ there were other intimate body maintenance chores for the girl to do so she soon became like family/ one Saturday it was the woman's birthday/ they gave her a little grey kitten and no one could've predicted the ecstatic look on her face/ the kitten eventually grew up and demanded fairer treatment for his mother/ "you don't pay her enough" was one of the first things he said/ several days later the kitten told the plumber he was a lazy chauvinist, "why don't you make your own bed?" the cat said/ truth (as everyone knows) is hard to take and so they all suddenly got indigestion and the mood of the household became tense/ the manicurist may or may not have been encouraging the kitten and the possibility built resentment/ she called her in for an interview and made her swear on the holy Bible to tell the whole truth/ "what did you dream about last night?"/ "shit" the girl said "I dreamt it was snowing shit and children were having shitball fights and building shitmen"/ "very interesting" she replied and decided they all needed a vacation/ the travel agent (who was also a family counselor) suggested they take separate vacations, but that was all too complicated and besides, she knew she'd never see them again if she let them go their own ways and was not ready for this/ they went to Disneyland and she told them "whoever isn't appearing to have a good time can go wait in the car"/ since none of them had ever been to an amusement park before it was a bit overwhelming/ they ran from one ride to another never deciding if it was worth waiting in line for/ finally the kitten said "I must go on the Ferris wheel"/ as it turned out the kitten had vertigo and was about to jump "to get it over with" but the manicurist secured him by the back of the neck/ it gave them all quite a scare and they remained earthbound for the rest of the day/ it was on this vacation that the plumber fell in love with a certain human mouse/ at first they lagged behind the strolling couple but it got pretty boring/ in a way she was glad to see the plumber go, but luckily there were many distractions on hand to help take her mind off it
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
The style of the novel reflects the speed of its contents in that it doesn't stop for periods. Slash marks are breathing points and not full stops. There are no chapters for the same reason The work is divided into 86 segments.
I've been traveling extensively since 1985, throughout Europe, Egypt and the Soviet Union. Pictures from these countries, as well as the objective experience of being a visitor, form the basis of the novel's images and tone. The story opens on the Danish island, Bornholm. Folk tales from this region have inspired some of the situations in the novel.
Recent work by Denise Newman has appeared in TALISMAN and EVERYTHING IS REAL EXCEPT THE OBVIOUS. A book of her poems, THE BLOOD FLOWER is available from Em PRess. In addition to her writing Denise Newman is active in organizations seeking to understand food distribution and to alleviate world hunger.
Copyright © 1994 by Denise Newman.
Spunk Anarchist Collective Library.