RAW Nicki Clarke Mirror mirror mirror - i misrecognise this body, i see a monkey face and fat thighs, i want to carve and slice and discard chunks of bleeding flesh. But sometimes i catch sight of myself unexpectedly as i walk past a window and i am struck by what a scarecrow i look - my chest bones showing and my clothes hanging, refusing to hide the frailty of my frame. Yet my eyes are shining and they say i'm looking good, they say i'm looking happy and that's kinda true, but i'm also longing for the comfort and protection of my flesh, tho i get a thrill seeing my jeans all loose around the waist and my legs look good in fishnet and HEY thin is better, thin is popular, thin gets the boys in every time. RIGHT? How i love being a woman coos the Warner's ad, but i hate being exploited is the graffiti and yeah i love and hate this body of mine. I'm starving myself, watching my breasts and hips disappear - you know i understand the hatred of this body, this sexualised body, this packaged consumerproductbody that exists for someone else's enjoyment, someone else's eye. Not mine. I do not know my body. Sometimes i am struck by my beauty and am surprised, and at other times by my ugliness and just want to scream and cry and throw myself against the walls and hurt myself, rip my skin away, claw and peel this outer coating that people see and i feel THIS IS NOT ME, i scream it with every pore Look look look at ME not my body. We become the refuse of this society because we're not buying amy. LOOK AT ME. If i oozed blood and pus all over you would you see? Just what do i have to do? To what extremes must we go? How far must we mutilate ourselves in order for you to STOP stop seeling us via your products? i don't want it i won't buy it i am not a mannequin i am not a sex aid so don't masturbate over me, don't look to me to find your gratification cos even if i wanted to i don't know how to give you what you want. When will this pain stop? i can't sit passively waiting - i roar and i scream FUCK YOUR ECONOMY FUCK YOUR MARKET where you're buying and selling our spirits. i'm not trading mine. i have precious little in this world and you just can't have it. Haven't you stolen enough from me, from the people i love? And the drugs and the death and the oblivion i am not a show and tell girl unless you want to see it RAW Nicki Clarke 1996