The late Rabbi Meir Kahane was a strong believer in Jewish self-defense. His motto was "Every Jew a .22." I can go along with that, but I take a more universalistic approach. As Robert Heinlein put it, "An armed society is a polite society." In the interest of promoting politeness more broadly, I have devised pithy slogans for additional groups. Nationalities, for example:
Every Dane a chain.
Every Scot a garotte.
Every Turk a dirk.
Every Swiss a kris.
Every Israeli a shillelagh.
Every Finn a rolling-pin.
Every Pole a pole.
For some nationalities, however, it's hard to come up with a rhyme unless you refer to them by colloquial, sometimes even derogatory terms. The Germans, for instance:
Every Hun a gun.
Every Kraut a knout.
Every Bosch a cosh.
I'm sure you sense where I'm headed here:
Every Mick a stick.
Every Nip a whip.
Every Yank a tank.
Every Canuck a numchuck.
Every Wop a riding-crop.
But it's not only nationalities that need to be empowered. So do homosexuals:
Every gay an epee.
Every dyke a pike.
Every queer a spear.
Every nance a lance.
Every faggot a faggot.
And so do women:
Every wife a knife.
Every tart a dart.
Every bitch a switch.
Every nun a gun.
Every daughter something with which to slaughter.
Minorities, as Rabbi Kahane appreciated, need to arm themselves:
Every kike a spike.
Every wog an attack dog.
Every Afrikaaner a spanner.
Every spade a grenade.
Every Lapp a strap.
Every Walloon a water balloon.
Every Aleut a jackboot.
Every Pomeranian a Pomeranian.
Every Gypsy a whipsie.
Every Tutsi, er, something with which to shootsi.
We can only hope that someday, when every Celt has a belt and every Slav a Molotov, when all the Spartans are wearing Doc Martens,
September 18, 1996