I never really wanted to be a scientist.

I wanted to be...a...A SYSADMIN!

[system engineer choir and shift supervisor enter, music strikes up]

Oh, I'm a sysadmin and I'm OK,
I grep all night and I chown all day.
[choir] He's a sysadmin and he's OK,
He greps all night and he chowns all day.

I ping the nodes, I do PM, I awk and perl and sed.
I've got a Star Wars lunchbox, and Tron sheets on my bed!
[choir] He pings the nodes, he does PM, he awks and perls and seds.
He's got a Star Wars lunchbox, and Tron sheets on his bed!

[repeat chorus]

I ping the nodes, I change the rates, I fork the processes.
I wish that all my lusers would catch some rare disease!
[choir, growing slightly uncomfortable] He pings the nodes, he changes rates,
  He forks the processes.
He wishes all his lusers would catch some rare disease!

[choir brightens as they repeat chorus]

I ping the nodes, I lock the /home partition and umount.
I post .gifs of my boss's daughter from his account!
[choir, very uncomfortable and trailing off] He pings the nodes, he locks the
  /home partition and umounts...??

[shift supervisor, in tears]  Oh Bevis!  And I thought you were so dedicated.