Status 2026-07-05

Evening, computer!

• Location: Dining room.
• Input device: Thinkpad x230 with Emacs in Linux console mode.
• Visual: A large oak table and some chairs. On top of the table there's some dark chocolate (Ocelot Black Cherry. Mmmm!), a bowl of cherries, a jug of water, a water glass, and, naturally, piles of books. Behind the table grey walls with bookcases.
• State: Slightly apprehensive about work tomorrow.

I just got back from a weekend in the cottage. So quiet. Phone mostly off. Slept very well. Finally! I had plans on writing but instead I just spent time reading. Important data point: Didn't get stuck watching TV series or Youtube videos for hours and hours.

Went to a second hand shop on Saturday and found some more books. Pure nostalgia: the first two books of the Three Investigators from the 1960s in Swedish translation. Remember them? Jupiter, Peter, and Bob? Like meeting old friends! Already read most of the first book.

I've been sleeping very badly lately. Several times a week I wake up, covered in sweat, and in terrible anxiety. Lying awake like this for a while and then, mercifully, falling asleep for a while again. It's exhausting. Combine this with having trouble going to sleep and you get a perfect storm. Of course I'm terribly tired most of the day. My mood doesn't improve either, of course. I just want it to stop.

The phone situation has been even worse than usual. Can't even answer the phone most of the time and it sometimes takes days to get the courage to call back on missed calls, even if it's someone I know well. I'm sorry!

When I think about it, I think it's been mh- for at least three years now. Yes, that's about when I stopped taking Mirtazapine. I have good reasons to believe Mirtazapine caused some other major health problems and that's obviously why I quit taking it.

I know I should probably be on something else, but I haven't actually managed to do that… Even more reason to… Yes, alright. Stop, already. That would mean I have to… actively seek help. Very, very hard to do. It's much easier to wallow in guilt, sadness, and anxiety by myself, thank you.

Had an interesting dream this morning about me and some friends doing a vlog about Wayland stuff while stoned out of our skulls, then being arrested and thrown into a mental hospital for political prisoners. Many friends and acquaintances were, of course, already there. A whole bunch of us managed to escape. There was a lot of running involved, as you can imagine. I woke up while we were hiding in a garage.

Is the universe trying to tell me something? Political prisoners? Really?

I've been to HQ in Gothenburg a couple of times in June. Also exhausting, for different reasons. I really don't like being alone in a hotel room and work has been very stressful, not necessarily just because of the political thing. You know what I mean.

The political thing: Yes, I know, late stage capitalism and all that. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I was very surprised and disappointed. And both angry and sad. Maybe I'll write more about that later.

Paused my Fediverse presence. I think I want to punish myself. Not be a part of something I like. I haven't been to the historical fencing classes the entire year, either. I'm still not on most of the really interesting Signal groups I left. I really, really want to be a part of all that.

Is it digital minimalism if you leave because you feel bad?

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Written by MC on Sweetmorn, the 40 day of Confusion in the YOLD 3192 (2026-07-05).